For reasons somewhat outside the remit of this blog, I recently decided to ferociously attack the dating apps that Israel has to offer. Even consulting an ever patient guy friend in the hope of making me look cute, but not cutesy, desirable but not slutty, interesting but not nerdy. You get the story… armed with a brand spanking new dating profile I was ready to take on the Israeli dating world, or so I thought. Land of milk and honey it may be… decent males – I’m less convinced.
After my date with Yair I was on a high…. why you may ask? Because I genuinely thought I had done it. I had found a good guy who wasn’t boring (*read an accountant at Deloitte*) Smart, speaking perfect English, crazy good looking he even had the baggage I so desperately seek in the form of an absent father. And as if his credentials weren’t enough Yair took me to a view point (which was also Shmuel’s grave and I swear to G-d i davened Ma’ariv) which even with my sem days is a first for me. He was perfect, I was blown away – here was the guy I had been waiting for.
However, there was a slight glitch in my plan. Whilst we were speaking there was no second date…there were promises, hints and suggestions but 10 days had gone by and I had yet to see my beloved Yair. Eventually I pushed him into a corner (despite numerous warning from every person I asked – and I asked a lot- that he wasn’t just that into me) and eventually he acquiesced and a date was set for that Thursday night (which in Israel is prime time date night.)
I was happy, but also knew, by this point that it shouldn’t really be this hard. It was a bitter victory and one I suspected wouldn’t quite come to fruition…what this means is that I had a number of backup men ready to rock and to roll and we will come onto them shortly. So Thursday comes and goes and it’s 5 pm and I still haven’t heard… so I message (and y’all can stop with the judgement….I want what I can’t have) and ask if he wants to meet. His response was basically akin to Netflix and chill- I.e he was happy to meet this blonde, keen and enthusiastic oleh for a quick boink. I responded that I wasn’t particularly keen to have sex on a second date… still somewhat in control of my dignity. To which he responded that I should probably make other plans. And so marked the death toll for the one I thought was the one.
Happily, I did indeed have some guys on the back-burner and so simply brought Almog front and centre to replace Y on what was a very rainy Jerusalem night. I’m not going to lie the fact he had a car was probably the deciding factor in this decision… he was even kind enough to give my friends a lift to the makolet at the top of the hill. However, Almog’s main issue was pretty apparent from the get go… his breath frikin’ stunk. Which was bad enough when we were sat just a hairs whisper from each other in Waffle Bar, but absolutely unbearable as he kissed me in the Ulpan car parking lot. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to kiss whilst holding your breath.. but hun it ain’t no picnic. I’m not sure my teeth have ever been brushed quite so thoroughly…
Naturally, given that I couldn’t have been less attracted to him Almog was keen for a second date and I had to let him down nicely and then firmly. I assume he’s fine now… he’s been seen on OkCupid since.
Tamir was 6 foot. Which is tall. And it appealed to me, because I once dated somehow who was also around that height and he made me feel safe. So I chatted to him on WhatsApp… however then he wanted to speak on the phone (very common with Israelis) and I was fucked. Because I don’t really speak to guys on the phone unless it’s like serious… what on earth do I say if I can’t twirl my curls and smile sweetly? So instead my friend answered the phone… trying to hide her thick Joburg accent with the queens English and doing a spectacularly terrible job. Which meant everyone in room 1206 was on the floor and laughing pretty loudly. Things really got interesting when I began to interject first with Hebrew (which ironically and confusingly I speak with a French accent) and particularly hairy when we both answered a question at the same time. The most amazing part of this saga – he was still keen to go on a date. Israelis… eh?
We spoke for one day, had great chats, good laughs, even progressed to voice notes. A date was planned for the following day and all was good in the world. Then it didn’t because he was tired. Then the conversation trickled to a few desperate lines and quickly I was ghosted. And so ended my quickest non relationship ever.