1. What on God’s earth is your name? I have met you multiple times, at social events I was probably coerced into attending either out of guilt or a sense of obligation. I recognise your face, and I even remember what we spoke about- your university, current job, hopes and dreams for the future. But in the name of all that is holy, I cannot remember the very first thing you said on meeting me. If I think really, excruciatingly hard I can remember your arm outstretched, your welcoming gaze, but I have completely and utterly blanked on your name; instead all I hear is my panicking brain desperately searching for the information and myself say, incredibly awkwardly, and exceptionally pointedly- oh hey YOU, gosh it’s been so long.
- The Thing you knew that would happen
Life is an unpredictable mess (well mine certainly) and we are basically just buzzing around trying to deal with the obstacles, frustrations and difficulties that make up our existence. However, there are moments when certain things happen in a friend’s life and you really could have placed bets on the conclusion. Given we are outside looking in we have a much clearer perspective. So whilst the breakup, to them, was a sharp, shocking stab to the heart, we all knew the writing was on the wall. And whilst being sacked, was for them, a monumental injustice we simply wonder how they lasted so long given, from what you could see, they spent most of their day on whatsapp. We obviously feel bad, but whilst the words coming out of our mouths connote shock, horror and disbelief- we really want to sit them down and draw a detailed table of the reasons this was really always going to happen.
- Shops not accepting your money
You get to the front of the queue, hand your credit card to the cashier for them to look you in the eye and say, “sorry we don’t take card under £5.” I’m sorry, am I hearing you correctly, you don’t want to accept my money? We live in the twenty-first century, who in this day and age carries cash with them? Don’t you understand that if I use my card it doesn’t feel like real money? And moreover, do I look like I want to trek down the road to the nearest cash machine? No, I want to purchase my Pepsi max and cereal bar and eat my breakfast in peace. Of course, for those establishments who want to charge me an additional 20p for the privilege of payment, they will find an abandoned Pepsi and a me shaped hole through their wall.
- The Emperor’s New Clothes
You have bought a new item of clothing, and this is it- this is the item that hides all bulges, lines and wobbles whilst simultaneously clinging to all the right places. You feel basically, like Naomi Campbell, and inspired by your latest purchase have decided to stop watching Netflix and venture outside of the comfort of your bedroom. You walk, no- you saunter to work, you glide onto the tube and stride into the office with all the confidence you can muster. And yet, no one comments, you get a few cursory nods and pathetic greetings, but that is it. If your life was a cartoon you would be drawn as a deflated balloon image of yourself. And that’s basically the day ruined.
- Saying No
You can feel it coming- the random Facebook message from someone you haven’t spoken to in years. Or the long rambling preamble which doesn’t really make sense, but which hints at an imminent favour whilst being littered with far too many conjunctions, hypotheticals and conditionals, “erm, so you really don’t have to….but if you wouldn’t mind lol, I obviously wouldn’t ask, but feel free to say no.” They then proceed to ask you a not completely ludicrous, but relatively annoying favour to which social nicety dictates you say yes. So whilst your brain screams no, no, no you don’t have time for this, you find your fingers typing, “yea sure babes,” with a smiley face- just so they can see how chilled you are. You then spend far too much time thinking of different ways you can get out of what you have already committed to, before finally acquiescing on the proviso that this time really is the last time you will be guilt tripped into this sort of ridiculous situation.Of course, the fact you made that internal promise countless times before is neither here nor there.