The Dating Horror Show

When I was a kid (well 15 or 16 years old) I used to stay up late and watch Sex and the City, and I would think, my god, it can’t really be like this…surely these dating stories must be exaggerated – no-one could possibly be this crazy. Sadly, it turns out I was wrong. To be honest, over the next 10 years or so I would find myself corrected on any number of issues, but they are, perhaps, slightly out of the remit of this article. So instead, we shall focus on some of my very favourite dating horror shows, a compilation of my friends’ very worst dating moments. Obviously, all names have been removed as I endeavour to be a decent human being, but I assure you they are all true.

Oh and by the way, they’re all about me. Obviously.

 

  1. The non-talker

There were two dates. Two pretty decent dates – perhaps some early warning signs, his inability to even purchase me a lime and lemonade, his visible intolerance towards children (one sneeze saw him grimace,) and of course there was his penchant for pot. But, nonetheless he had nice eyes, was pretty intelligent and, most poignantly, had a motorbike. You can see the attraction? So date 3 comes around and here we are off to our first meal together, except bike boy refuses to speak. Yep you read that right ladies and gents….he simply decided that words were not really his thing that night. When I finally built up the courage to ask him why, perchance, we were sitting in silence he responded with, “I have nothing to say, does that bother you?”

Yes, it most certainly fucking does. Saddest part is….I still messaged him to find out if perhaps he had suffered from some form of a dehabilitating aneurysm that perhaps created a void in his personality (although I didn’t quite word it that way)….His response: to block me.

  1. The Talker

The polar opposite to bike boy, film boy (who was an avid actor, director and screenwriter) didn’t stop talking, not for the entirety of our seven-hour date. At his insistence, we moved from a coffee shop to a restaurant to a bar where he waxed lyrically about his life, passions and how he would read my book, lend me some films and even take my advice on some cultural references. The date ended in a kiss and I was flying high, certain he would call. Because it was basically a done deal, right? Wrong. I guess he was a much better actor than he let on.

  1. The I’m not over my Ex

He pursued me, added me on LinkedIn, emailed me, whatsapped me daily. So I got excited because it’s nice to be liked. Friends read the conversations and we all agreed he was into me, the date was a done deal and all was well in the world. Except he went away for a weekend and after doing some serious soul searching decided that maybe he wasn’t quite ready to date, he wasn’t really over his ex. Apparantly it was “all a bit awkward for him,” which must be the poshest way I have ever been fobbed off. Thank goodness for that public school education, eh?

  1. The half-hearted one

We had a date. It was a little long for my liking, but it was an enjoyable evening. The conversation flowed and I even laughed on more than one occasion. I would have seen him again, but would not be heartbroken if he never messaged. And if truth be told I was mid messaging number 3 on this list, so was juggling a few eggs at the time. Eventually, he messaged two days later, I replied half a day later, and then he responded another full two days later to my question. Never, have I felt more special. Guys – you’re in or you’re out. For the love of god, I implore you to pick one.

  1. The blunt one

To be honest, I cannot fault this guy for his directness, even if I do feel it was perhaps a little much. We went out for dinner and clearly we were not a good match. When describing the type of guy I would never go for….this was it, wrapped up in male package. Don’t feel too sorry for him folks, because clearly he felt the same way. Which he made abundantly clear as we left the restaurant. When he turned to me, stared into my eyes and said those words every little girl dreams of hearing, “I think I’m gonna go home now.”

6. Silence of the Lambs

I know a listacle traditionally only has 5 points, but fuck it I’m a rebel. After having sent this blog to some of my friends I was reminded of, what must have quite possibly been my worst date, and I felt compelled to add it in, even if it does somewhat ruin the rhythm. Picture the scene….Hagen Dasz store, Leicester Square, two perfect strangers trying desperately to make conversation over frozen milk in the middle of a cold, and rainy winter. Both desperately searching for a bridge or strand of mutual thought, a noble effort that was stalling worse than my car in this ice. So as we got on the tube I was drained of all ability to speak, having worked tremendously hard for the past 3 hours. Rendered silent, my counterpart clearly felt the same and so we sat in absolute silence all the way to Brent Cross station. Longest. Tube. Ride. Ever.

It was at that very moment I couldn’t help but wonder if Carrie and her crew had it right all along?

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