The Five things you should never say to a curly girl

  1. Don’t you ever think about straightening it?

Hmm I dunno babe…have you ever thought about binding your feet because they’re looking a little big to me? Or like your eyes are brown, it’s kinda boring, but I’m sure a quick eye surgery would fix that right up. For all you homies out there with straight hair let me make one thing perfectly clear…curly hair does not like to be straight. At all. Even with a professional blow dry my hair lasts, at the most, a day straight…and that’s if all the stars align and there is literally zero (and I mean zero) humidity, rain or any other weather that could upset my overly sensitive hair. I once attended a wedding where it rained and in the time it took me to get from my car to the chupah, armed only with a scarf that didn’t quite cover all my hair, it had curled up, but just on one side. Just the one. I swear to god I have photographic evidence. So yes to answer your question I do indeed think about straightening it, but I like my hair to all stay one shape, and preferably not like Monica’s in “that” episode.

  1. Is it naturally like that?

Of course, in the morning whilst birds dress me and doves tweet above my hand I exit the shower and my hair cascades in waves down my back like some Fairytale Princess. Bitch, please. Keeping this ‘fro tamed takes nothing short of an army of products all of which splatter my bathroom making it look like some kid’s playground post-hair-wash day, as well as a whole host of techniques like plopping, smasters and others that you can’t even try to understand. Hand on heart I am part of a Facebook group with 40,000 women around the world discussing techniques in minute and careful detail. No, sweetie, no it is not naturally like this.

  1. Keratin

How many times have I heard something along the lines of, “but my first cousin’s mothers, aunts on my father’s side had keratin and it really worked for them.” Keratin is for people with wavy hair, a slight kink maybe at best. Like Christina Aguilera, these Ashkenazi curls cannot be tamed by man or man-made products.

  1. I wish I had curly hair

No, no you don’t. Listen over the past few years I have come to love, respect and accept my curls as part of me. But, if there was an option of me popping out the shower, wrapping one of those cute towels around my head like I was in the movies and simply flouncing off to my meeting with perhaps a touch of mousse then, frankly, you couldn’t sign me up fast enough.

  1. You wash your hair how often?

Curly hair doesn’t get greasy, it just doesn’t. And so we don’t need to wash our hair like normal people…and yes that means waiting up to a week (sometimes more) before plunging our hair into the shower. It doesn’t make us dirty I promise….trust me you’d understand if you saw quite how long it took to get these curls looking springy and sprightly.

 

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